Unique Paths (Foundation of Lasting Love, Pt.5)
We are not made to be alone.
If we could expand our use of that well-known verse from the Hebrew Tanakh, about it not being “good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18), we would note that, generally, it is not good for the woman “to be alone” either.
The truth is, as humans, we all need love and connection.
Human beings are not so much like cats, in the sense that most of us are not that independent, emotionally. We are not that happy without a sense of deep connection to others.
Whichever kind of pet you like better, as a species, we are more like dogs.
By and large, we are pack animals that depend for our joy on the sense that there are others in our lives that we love and need – and that love and need us in return.
When we look at the realm of romantic relationships, we find that, from adolescence on, we begin to try to build lasting adult relationships – lasting romantic/affectional/sexual love.
Prior to puberty, we get (or, at least, need) most of our sense of connection from those we live with (our birth or extended families or other caregivers).
As we grow, we begin to care more about friends and peers, than family.
Then, the drive to mate kicks in.
Am I saying that from teen years on, we want sex?
Generally, yes, but that is not all I am saying.
I am also saying that, from teen years on (whether or not we are abstinent or active), both males and females begin to experience the awakening of sexual and affectional/romantic desire. *(That awakening should never be exploited. If a teen chooses to begin to explore their own sexuality (with the caveat of safe sex practices and birth control), it should be explored with – or responded to – ONLY by non-related, age-appropriate, consensualpartners of the teen's own choosing. Anything else is assault or abuse . . . .)**
But it is not just sexual desire that begins to awaken in our teen years.
It is the drive to individuate from our parents and caregivers, and the drive to find someone (or multiple someones) special – and to be found special by someone (or multiple someones) – as we construct our own adult, romantic, sexually-engaged, and partnered lives.
So, we need human connectedness, and as we grow up, we need/want part of that connectedness to be sexual/affectional/romantic.
Also, our needs are not that different across gender lines (females have sexual urges, males also need emotional connection, etc.).
It is just simply not true that women and men come from different “planets.”
We are actually both of the same species.
The differences that exist between the females and males of our species are more exaggerated than real, and where they are real – they are as much or more the result of our socialization as of our biology.
Like men, women think.
Like women, men feel.
If stuck, both bleed.
The majority of our biological differences are reproductive. The rest of our differences are largely due to culture and socialization.
Catchy pop psychology book titles, and possible small brain differences, aside – women and men are actually both from earth – and any given man and woman is as likely to have more in common with each other – across gender lines – than any given woman and woman, or man and man – within gender lines.
We are, actually, overwhelmingly, the same – equal members of the human species.
But culturally, men and women (whatever their sexual orientation) come to the dating and relationship table from very different (gendered) upbringings – and are, thereby, imprinted with very different expectations and ideologies.
No matter our sexual/affectional orientation, women and men both receive (along with the social expectation of being cisgendered) training in fantasizing very different relationship outcomes.
Men are encouraged to fantasize and pursue casual (and, if we include porn, unrealistic) sex.
Women are encouraged to fantasize and pursue romance, and therefore, primarily committed sex (and if we include porn and advertising, encouraged to mercilessly criticize their own bodies).
Speaking very broadly – in mainstream U.S. culture – men grow up encouraged by every societal and media message, and (often) by parents or caregivers, to focus on establishing themselves in their careers, and to seek multiple partners, first, before settling down.
They are encouraged to become financially established, and after that, ifand when someone comes along who is so wondrous she (or he) cannot be resisted – to form a family. The qualified candidate for long-term life partner to someone (straight or gay) who expects to bear (or stay home with) children meets the social expectation of financial stability: i.e. demonstrates the potential to step up to the family financial plate alone if one parent is to stay home as primary caregiver or a pregnancy or the postpartum period gets rough.
Also speaking broadly – women in the same mainstream cultural settings – grow up encouraged by societal and media messages, fairytales, and (often) by parents and caregivers, to circumvent and subsume some of (used to be "all of") their career goals to the social expectations of marriage and (future) children.
Instead of following their dreams and say, aiming to be a doctor, many young women still aim toward nursing, or teaching, or some other female-typed job, with the thought that such will be better for their families(even if not better for themselves) when they become mothers.
They are encouraged to seek out one long-term life partner who (while also being sexual and exciting) will offer undying devotion and add to their financial stability.
This expectation supersedes establishing themselves, as themselves, economically – but also, intellectually and emotionally.
Straight women are still trained to view their careers as secondary to their family commitments and to their spouses’ careers, and to consider it romantic (and a symbol of their love, commitment, and faith the relationship will last) to give up the primary marker of individual identity (their name) at marriage (generally, without asking the question of whether or not he should –or would –do the same for her).
But even with the primal need to form adult sexual relationships (to mate) – and despite the social pressures for men and women to approach those relationships differently, not every woman automatically moves toward commitment, and not every man automatically moves toward, or remains engaged in, casual encounters.
Some women privilege their careers and resist quickly partnering with potential long-term spouses and co-parents. They maintain autonomy over their own sexuality and allow themselves more casual or non-monogamous encounters (let’s not jump to the bogus, but ever-ready, prejudgment of women as either Madonna or whore. Let’s set aside the sexual double standard for the length of this discussion and allow adult women the same right to sexual autonomy as is allowed to the male of our species).
And some men do not privilege their careers and casual liaisons, but rather, seek commitment and partner (or at least, procreate) early. They may even founder on the shores of career, and/or educational, advancement.
Yet, for cisgender women, who enter their mid-30s without having married, the pressure to partner intensifies. It becomes more difficult to follow the beat of their own drum and resist conformity, because this pressure is more than imaginary. It is more than well-meaning friends and family asking them when they’re going to “settle down” and “tie the knot” (which can happen to men, too). It is more than Grandmom telling them they’re being “too picky.”
It is the interior knowledge that – as females – the biological clock for childbearing does tick out relatively quickly. It is the fear of a childless (and perhaps, never “married”) old age, if they don’t “find the Right One” – right now.
The same women who have squarely and bravely faced the vicissitudes of education, of the job market, of supporting themselves, and of fostering financial independence, are suddenly face-to-face with an approaching deadline for a lifestyle they have been indoctrinated to want.
Today, women with these accomplishments – women with some degree of financial privilege – can take matters into their own hands and access reproductive technologies (freeze their eggs, purchase sperm, receive in vitro fertilization) or adopt as single parents.
Yet, these strong and independent women often hesitate to take on single parenthood by choice, even though it is a circumstance multitudes of women handle daily, without choice.
It is difficult – without "The Right" loving partner with which to co-parent – to intentionally take on juggling (emotionally, financially, or logistically) the (significant) burdens of bearing and/or raising one or more children as both sole caregiver andbreadwinner.
The ticking of the reproductive clock puts an unnatural burden on women to agonize over “what is wrongwith” them for not having “found the Right One” – that perfect life-partner/soul-mate (different- or same-sex) – The Onewho is "supposed to" help them have, and raise, the child/ren they’ve been socially-conditioned to envision. They may agonize over whythey have not made a happy – and reproductive – marriage, when it seems everyone else has (and from the outside, the marriages of others often look better than they actually are).
They may begin to blame themselves – to wonder if their expectations have been too high (and it may be that the kind of partner we’ve been led to expect from fairy tales and romance novels and slow jam love songs doesn’t really exist – that people are more self-centered and flawed than The Onewe’re looking for) – or that they’ve not been personally winning enough – or that they’ve not settledsoon enough – when in truth, there were real and, often, valid disconnects in each relationship that could have lead to family formation.
Maybe, it is merely the luck of the draw – this enigma of who finds someone to marry (whether or not it lasts) – and who does not.
Or (in heterosexuality), it may be because our different-sex significant others have been socialized to be at cross-purposes with us: that the people we've dated have wanted something different than we did – say, only wanting sex when we wanted relationship (casual dating vs. commitment) – or wanted to put off childbearing when we wanted to forge ahead . . . .
It may be that the kind of partner we’ve been led to expect (from fairy tales and romance novels and slow jam love songs) doesn’t really exist – that people are more self-centered and flawed than The One we’re looking for.
OR it may be that we haven’t actually wantedwhat we are “supposed to” want – to marry and bear children.
Our own heart's desires may not actually be in agreement with our culture's expectations.
We may, actually, prefer the freedom of being single and child-free.
Or we may have had as much apprehension about being married, or having children, as we've had expectation for it (with the apprehension cancelling out the expectation) . . . .
Perhaps settling down was not really what we wanted, at least, not early on – when the ticking of the clock was dull and further away.
It is clear that we each have a human species need for mutual, adult, human connectedness, but despite the overwhelming social expectations to partner/marry and procreate/parent, some of us may be geared to independence.
Or some of us may be geared toward dating more than one person in close succession, or more than one person at a time. (As a culture, we actually practice serial – not life-long – monogamy.)
Despite the overwhelming social expectation that everyonebe committed/monogamous/and exclusive, some people are simply not exclusive. Some are polyamorous. Others want one at a time but get bored in exclusive relationships and move on frequently. No oneperson ever meets allof another person's needs, and some people mind that more than others do.
Despite the social pressure to make a family before the clock ticks out, the model of partnering with one significant other, and being both sexually- and emotionally-exclusive for a lifetime (and of including one’s own biological children in that particular family unit) – may not be what we really want.
Life is not one size fits all.
The nuclear family unit, circa 1950s televised fantasy, never was, and is not now, right for everyone!
Since the 1980s, there has been a renewed push for adults to be in exclusive and reproductive “family” units. (Even a male is expected to partner eventually.) We have lost the recognition of, and the social space for, the "confirmed (yet heterosexual) bachelor," the straight "career woman,” the merry widow who was relieved to be beyond the pale of the daily demands of a long-term (and often, gender-unequal) marriage. (And a good part of this social shift is a reaction to the rise of HIV/AIDS and viral STI’s for which we do not yet have cures.)
Today, even if we enjoy being single, we have lost the social space to simply BEsocialAND single.
The older the single person gets, the fewer friends remain unfallen to the pressure to partner – the fewer friends there are to spend time with.
If you are at such a turning point in your life (a juncture at which you must decide whether to take Mr. or Ms. Right There,” and settle down), if you want to have children of your own WITHIN a relationship – then – even though under pressure – this can still be a fine place to be.
If you have come to a place in your mind and heart where you are being drawn toward a long-term, committed partnership (perhaps with children – your own and/or your partner’s), take courage – and move from fear to faith. Use the power of positive thinking to draw to you the best possible partner and the best possible children.
But if you find that the standard modelis NOT actually what you want, give yourself permission to simply be yourself – to be different. Recognize your own inclination – whatever that is – and separate it from society's expectations.
Whatever your thoughts and emotions about partnering and procreating, make sure that they are, after all, actually, yourthoughts.
Give yourself the right to break expectations, and to frame the life that fits you – all the way across your lifespan.
One size fits all works for very few.
Even in your need to connect with others, there is a path that is uniquely yours.
© 2013-2018 Nadine Rosechild-Sullivan, Ph.D.