By Rev. Dr. N. Rosechild-Sullivan

When you first meet a potential romantic partner, despite all the flutter of new romance and (hopefully) the passion of chemical attraction (new relationship energy), you should keep your feet relatively firmly planted on the ground. 

Violence-prevention expert, Gavin DeBecker, in his book, The Gift of Fear, points out that each of us is diligent to know where our wallet is and to protect it, pretty much at all times. But because of our cultural ideology about love “at first sight,” and our desire not to appear untrusting or rude, we will take this new individual at face value and extend trust to them – before we have had any opportunity to access whether or not they are, actually, trustworthy. 

And yet, we offer them (without protection) something exceedingly more valuable than our wallets – something, in fact, priceless – our hearts.

As DeBecker also points out, “the good will continually qualify themselves.“

Which means, if we meet someone wonderful, he or she will stay wonderful, across time. Which is not to say that they won’t be an imperfect, actually human, human being, but which is to say that we don’t need to give them a free pass at the gate. The good person will earn, and keep earning, their pass, simply by being themselves. 

I wouldn’t meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger in a store and ask him/her to hold my cash, credit, and ID-card-filled wallet, while I ran back to the car for a coupon I forgot. 

I wouldn’t meet a tall, blond, handsome stranger (without references) and ask him/her to watch my toddling child, while I ran over to my friend’s house for a few hours of fellowship. 

Instead, I would put some effort into getting to know the new individual, before I would trust her or him with my child or my money & identity information. 

Even so, my heart is valuable. 

It is resilient, but it is also hard to mend. And wounds of the heart live on far too long, damaging our sense of happiness, and often, our future relationships. 

So, back to the good person . . . . Trust grows as the good person continues to show him/herself good. 

But trust should not be extended until it has grown naturally, until you have watched this person and studied them and learned their character.

The trick is, if you see any red flags that indicate danger – salute the red flags – and throw the fish back and keep on fishing.

If the flags you see do not indicate physical danger, but emotional and/or psychological danger – throw them back and keep fishing.

If the flags you see indicate – not danger – but issues that may trouble the relationship and put your emotions at risk in an ongoing or semi-regular way – you need to self-protectively assess just what the issues are and whether or not you can/want to deal with them JUST AS THEY ARE!

That is to say, when we let ourselves love someone – we must love them as they actually are– not as a fantasy of who we wishthey were (or could) be. 

It doesn’t work to say to ourselves, “This person would be wonderful, if only I could get them to change just this one thing . . . . 

While it is not impossible for someone to change, essentially, we only ever change for ourselves.

As individuals we can grow. We can come to realizations. We can learn to control our behaviors.

But we don’t actually (ever) change our personalities. 

Like the child that we teach not to have a temper tantrum, or that we help to understand the greater wisdom of not playing in traffic or of studying their* homework – individuals can make improvements in the ways they are socialized into the world.  

But like that child, we are born with a temperament, a character, a personality – and that remains stable across time. 

I was born near the top of my mother’s lineup of 13 children, 12 of whom survived into adulthood. I was privileged to watch year by year, as each new baby came home, and it was apparent to me (by the time I was 10) that each new sibling came home from the hospital with a personality. Not a one was a blank slate. Each of them responded to the realities of life in our family in very individual ways. 

All that our parents did – the teaching and training and instruction and discipline and schooling – that followed their entrance to our home NEVER changed WHO that individual newborn was – never changed the personality that was apparent in the newborn and clearly displayed in the toddler. 

They learned how to act, but they clearly remained themselves, reacting to the pressure of the space.

So, we can socialize a child. Parents or trauma may even “break” the spirit of a child. But we can never “change” the essence of the individual.

The same goes for lovers (affairs/ girlfriends/ boyfriends/ partners/ wives/ husbands/ spouses/ significant others).

Now, there certainly have been books written, or movies made, about how to “train” your man (or abuse your woman), but – in reality – YOU are NOT the good guy – not a good person (or partner) – in that scenario.

And while you can dominate someone and force them to bend to your whims (through fear or insecurity), you still cannot CHANGE your partner.

In 13 years of Catholic schooling, at yardstick point, I was dominated and forced to obey under threat of physical punishment. I learned not to speak my mind. In even more years under the supervision of strict Catholic (somewhat intuitive) parents, I even learned, that sometimes, it was best not to think your own thoughts until later, when you were alone.

As a significant other, you probably can – through abusive behaviors – resocialize your partner into being sufficiently afraid of you (or of losing you) to do what you say – to try to keep you from going off or from leaving, but you can’t really “change” their essence underneath. And the likelihood is high that they will come to hate you (fear breeds hate) and to leave you, if they ever find the key to their freedom. While being a decent human being, you can’t dominate anyone you claim to love – not while being decent.

And what kind of relationship would that be anyway? 

If I need to control my partner - to police and wheedle and con and demand - how satisfying is that to my heart? How much does that make me feel special and irreplaceable?  

So I’m going to make the assumption that abusing someone into doing what you want is not what you’re after – and go back to the main point – which is: 

When we love someone, we must love them as they actually are.It doesn’t work to say to ourselves, “This person would be wonderful, if only this one thing were different.” 

So early on, in dating, ask yourself, “Do I want to live with this person’s character traits?”

If so, love them as they are.

If not – if you need to fix some things in them to make it work for you, if they are not who you want to be with, if they are not who you want them to be – they are not who you are looking for – keep looking.

© 2013-2018 Nadine Rosechild-Sullivan, Ph.D.