Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen ~ Step-Parenting 101: How to Come Into an Already Existing Family Unit (Foundation of Lasting Love, Pt. 9)
• As a new partner, how do you blend into an already existing family unit and its already established dynamics?
As the partner of a parent, we may expect to be received by our dating partner’s child/ren as an authority figure. (Some of us grow up in families where any adult can tell any child what to do.)
Yet, if a relationship with our partner’s child/ren is important to us, it is necessary we realize that we can’t come into an already-established family unit asserting our rights.
Instead, we must tiptoe in gently, on cat’s paws, for from the child/ren’s perspective – as a newcomer – we are simply NOTtheir “mom” or their “dad.” (Even though single-headed, our partner, and his or her children are already a family, with a functioning (or even, dysfunctioning) dynamic already in play.)
And, often (whatever we think of them), there is a second parent out there (active or inactive, fabulous or awful) and an extended family – grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins – maybe even half-siblings – and the second parent’s new partner or spouse . . . .
So – as a dating partner – a cohabiting partner – a married-in stepparent in the home – what is our place?
Too many cooks in the kitchen
What this family unit needs most from us is for us to come in as a support – as a friend.
Children who already have (one or more) parents and extended family (and even, school personnel to whom they have to answer) don’t need additional authority figures – but any child can use additional love and support.
We can win our place in their hearts by building real (and, of course, appropriate) relationships with them.
We can be a listening ear.
Where desired, we can add instruction or help with homework.
We can play ball or Barbie.
Coming in as a disciplinarian – exerting our adult rights and privileges and demanding that things be done our way – will only alienate children who are already overwhelmed by the changes in their lives – changes over which they have no control. (They didn’t choose the separation/divorce of their initial parenting couple, and they don't have a real choice about us.)
Instead of alienating them, they can eventuallydevelop a sense of gratitude for the positive and uplifting presence we provided in their (and their parent’s/our partner’s) lives.
Children of divorce (people of all ages) eagerly gravitated toward all the help they can get. (Children who are acting out, who are displaying a host of behavioral issues that keep people at bay, rendering it hard to get close to them, need warmth all the more.)
And our partner, who may be overwhelmed with the responsibilities of single parenthood, needs to know that we are there for them – without judgment or criticism.
Children (any of us) who are critiqued get disheartened, discouraged, and overwhelmed.
In childhood, the lack of autonomy, self-determination, and simple control is devastating and bitter.
And having too many adults to answer to is like having too many cooks in the kitchen – more harmful than helpful.
It can be more than a child can bear. (No matter our age, none of us can bear being forced to be in a place [or with people] where we feel unappreciated or unwelcome.)
How a child feelsnow matters – both in the present, and on their therapist’s couch for years and years to come.
The mythical stepparent of cultural fairy tales is a villain.
The mythical stepparent deceives the parent as to their true motives and feelings, then – given access and control – abuses the child/ren (out of jealousy and greed and entitlement) behind their partner’s back.
Many such real stepparents (and parents) make our nightly news each year . . . .
Our role with these children (these short, dependent, vulnerable human beings, who are lacking in self-determination and autonomy) is to encourage, support, and undergird.
Our role with our partner is to help them be the best parent she or he can be (not to step in and do it for them, or to whip them and their household into “shape”).
Our role as a stepparent is to be honorable – to give these children above-board friendship and protection – and to contribute to the overall peace and joy of this family we are joining.
We must never betray them.
We must keep our word to them, but never ask them to keep our secrets.
And we cannot (profitably) come in as an authority figure – making pronouncements or threats or raising our hand to them.
There may be times when our partner looks to us as another caregiver. Maybe we are trusted to babysit.
In such times, we may need (non-violently and non-abusively) to maintain (or even establish) order, but even then (even if our partner asks us to) if we put on the role of the Disciplinarian, it will only serve to undermine (in an already difficult situation) our partner’s authority in the eyes of his/her children, and it will not (in the long run) serve our purpose of making a contribution to our – and their – well-being.
We are all looking for happiness in our lives. We should do that which contributes to the overall happiness of this unit we are blending with our own.
Instead of parenting for (or with) our partner, as newcomers, we benefit most if we encourage our partner in their work of parenting – deferring to and supporting her or him in that.
Our role is to befriend our partner, and – by extension – the shorter, delightful human beings our partner has brought into our life.
And as we befriend, instead of dominate, them, before we know it, these children will rejoice that we are in their world – and they make room for us in their hearts and in their homes. And no matter what the dynamics in their second parent’s home, they (at least) will be on the side of our relationship with their parent/our partner.
Blending Two Existing Families Into One
The dynamics of blending two existing families are complex, yet in all its complexity, the basic principles remain the same.
In as much as is possible, we should build relationships of warmth and friendship with the children in our lives. Despite their reaction to change, each child in our world should be made to feel loved and valued—even when they are being asked to stretch and let new adults/stepparents (us) and (possibly) new siblings (our other children) into their heart and world.
The principles of respect and fairness can guide us through to a blended family unit with as much harmony within it as the individual personalities involved will allow.
We must guard against ever making a child feel replaced.
We must protect, love, and provide equally for each child in our lives.
And, as much as is in our power, we must see that each adult interacts with each child out of a heart of kindness – and, as always, of integrity.
**
Upcoming: Principles of Child Discipline
© 2013-2018 Nadine Rosechild-Sullivan, Ph.D.