By Rev. Dr. N. Rosechild-Sullivan

Few things hurt in quite the same way as betrayal in a sexual/affectional/romantic relationship. 

There are many kinds of relationship betrayal: finding that a partner has lied (or lies regularly); finding that a partner has broken your expectations (or an outright vow of) monogamy; being repeatedly sexually rejected by a legitimate partner (everyone always has a right to say “no” and to have that “no” respected, but ongoing sexual rejection hurts just the same); being abandoned by a partner through break up or divorce; and countless more scenarios.

Betrayal can rock us to our core and leave us walking around with the sense of a knife in our stomachs.

In romantic relationships, I have learned what I imagine it would feel like to be betrayed by a kiss, while being sold out to enemies.

Because of love – and levels of (even natural) attachment and dependency – I understand why some betrayed lovers would stand screaming at their partner in the street. I know what it feels like to lose half – or more – of myself as a lover walks away, or drowns my hopes in apathy, or spurns my advances, or makes furtive whispered phone calls in the other room, or comes home just as day breaks to hop in the shower before coming close.

And I know what it is to fight my way back from that place and find myself whole again.

Whatever the reasons, whatever the split on the share of the blame, no matter the myriad scenarios we play out with each other when in love– the pain caused is a wound sustained in the spirit – and to quote another author, “a wounded spirit, who can bear?” 1

And since it is a spiritual wound, the wounds left by betrayal need a spiritual cure. 

After betrayal, we must turn inside to find shelter from the storm – not into reclusiveness – but into the stillness at the core of our beings where we are still whole, where we still matter – at least to ourselves.

We must set about to rebuild ourselves, to restore our ability to know joy once again – to take in the sunrise, to delight in the song of birds, to taste the sweetness of the breeze, to inhale the nectar of a flower, to catch the laugh of a child.

I found my pathway back to my Selfby getting in touch with the deeper parts of me –through deep prayer, and meditation.

And when I couldn’t get there without assistance, I got there through a very useful, meditative, and facilitated tool (used with the intent of taking me into an inner healing space to find my best answers and mend my wounds) – spiritual hypnotherapy.

And I found my healing – I found a new space – a space of strength and courage and commitment to myself – commitment to caring for, and being committed to, myself.

I was raised in a religious home – and both through the teachings of religion and the relatively healthy, and certainly loving, long-term relationship of my parents – I was taught to be commitment to relationship – especially in marriage.

Like many today, I held the ideology that you should do everything possibleto hold onto and fix the relationship you have.

The church of my youth taught that divorce was never an option – not for any reason!

There was no circumstance or situation that was sufficient cause: not failure to provide for children, not infidelity, not even the abuse of your children or attempted murder by your spouse.

As an exemplar of Church teaching, my parents held up one of their friends – a woman whose husband cheated on her, left her, divorced her, and married “the other woman”– but who continued to consider herself married to her ex – for life – and never dated or married again, but remained celibate until death.

Coming from that background, I was definitively preset to privilege the relationship I was in, even above my own well being as an individual.

But I was not alone.

Beyond the teachings of any church, mainstream U.S. culture itself maintains the premise that couples who are struggling can (or should) always“work on it” – should try by any means possible to salvage the connection between them, to fix the essence of what makes them a couple.

Yet, there are simply times when simple compassion demands that we side with the dissolution of the unit and privilege instead the emotional well being, and even, the physical survival of one or both parties.

To me, it seems obvious beyond the necessity of words that the survival of each spouse (and of all children) supersedes the preservation of the “holy” union. 

It beggars belief, but I have watched nationally prominent leaders stand up for a marriage in which a shopping-addicted wife put her middle class husband into debt to the tune of $100,000 per year – or side with a jealous, controlling husband who was electronically spying on and stalking his wife, because he feared she was having an emotional affair with a co-worker.

Anyone knowledgeable about intimate partner (“domestic”) violence understands that electronic spying out of jealousy is a strong pre-incident indicator that a (usually) female partner is at possible risk for her life.

And anyone with an ounce of compassion for the mental/emotional/financial devastation wrought by excessive debt can comprehend what it would mean to be buried, year-by-year, under a deepening avalanche of uncontrolled credit-based spending by a shopping-addicted spouse.

Children, of course, complicate any breakup or divorce, but counterbalancing the loss of having two parents in the same home is the trauma of growing up with parents who argue (in the same home) and/or hurt each other (or the kids) verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically and/or sexually.

Not every marriage CAN be saved, but more importantly, not every marriage (or coupledom) should be saved. 

Whatever we think of rising divorce rates, the right to divorce is an important civil right(especially for women). 

Intimate partner violence rates are heavily skewed by gender, and in cultures, times, and places where women couldn’t/can’t initiate divorce, they were/are often tied, life-long, in abusive relationships – unable to protect themselves or their children by the simple (or not so simple) act of leaving.

It has been only about one hundred years since a married woman who left could, in these United States, be advertized for in the same way as a runaway slave or indentured servant – only about one hundred years since a woman (any woman in the U.S.) had NO legal right to custody of (or visitation with) her children if her husband sued for divorce, or if she were left widowed. (In the case of widowhood, her children, her home, and her husband’s estate were inherited by her husband’s nearest male relative, and she was allowed to see or raise her children only by his good graces.)

Difficult and sad as divorce or breakups can be, some unions should be ended for the sake of the human beings involved in the unions.

And all individuals have (and should legally have) the inalienable right to decide that a given union is not working for them, and to leave that union.

In the wake of whatever traumas you have experienced in the name of love, or in the name of family, give yourself permission – at any time and always – to get out of an abusive relationship – any abusive relationship (even a minimally abusive one).

There is a prayer about changing the things that can be changed, accepting the things that cannot, and having the wisdom to know the difference. . . . 3

Instead of clinging to a relationship or marriage that is no longer working – beyond (with a nonviolent partner)getting some couples’ counseling for “the things that can be changed”– always give yourself permission to get out. 

No matter how many years you have invested – if someone begins to abuse you or your children – let yourself have some standards for how you (and they) may be treated. 

Let there be such a thing as a deal breaker, even years into a marriage.

And (I am not speaking of “selfishness” here) let there be such a thing as commitment to yourself.

There is an old Helen Reddy song, in which she sings, “I am a best friend to myself . . . and I make my life as happy as a best friend would. I’m as nice to me as anyone I know.” 4

We should face the prospect of present or future love with that kind of commitment to ourselves – a commitment to“make our lives as happy as a best friend would”– to stand up for ourselves.

On the other side of healing the pain left behind by those who have (intentionally or unintentionally) betrayed your faith and trust, let there be a renewed commitment – not to marriage – not to the couple bond – but to yourself (and any underage children). 

What I am saying is to marry yourself. 

Make your vows to you. 

Every day of my life, the person I wake up to is ME. 

Everywhere that I go, there I am. 

There is nowhere I can run from my own presence.  

I’m The Onesharing this experience of life with Me. 

I believe in being therefor my kids, my family, my friends, my clients, and more; but for whatever I owe anyone else – I owe myself all the more.

I am The One– The Right One – The One I was Looking For.

I am The Onewho has been there since my first nanoseconds of awareness.

And I am The Onewho will be there with me for every fraction of a second that consciousness lasts 

–      whether those who believe in God or Spirit are right, and consciousness lasts forever 

–      or whether those who are atheist are right, and consciousness ceases with brain activity

I am still The One– The Only Onewho will share each and every moment of awareness withMe.

No matter my romantic yearnings – it is I who feel them. In bed with a lover, it is the pleasure in my ownnerve endings I am experiencing.

I am The One I was looking for.

When lovers betrayed or deserted me, when lovers sought the beds of other women or other women sought the bed of my lovers, when passion ran its course and turned and walked away – even when love was new and my feet floated mid-air – it was MeI longed to feel good about.

It was Me I sought in the eyes of others, in their eyes and kiss and words and actions. 

As a toddling child, it was Methat needed my mother’s or father’s attention.  

It is the peace of my own mind I seek in meditation – my own inner wisdom (or at least, my connection to Wisdom) that I access in prayer.

When I love and appreciate and understand myself – and give myself the respect of judging myself within the context of patient self-understanding – then, I am psychologically healthy (or on the path to that health).

(“Would you take better care of yourself? Would you be kinder to yourself? 

Would you be more forgiving of your human imperfections, 

If you realized your best friend was yourself?”4)

When I live by my conscience – by my own inner Lights – by the best of Me– I am moral and treat others the way I want to be treated.

When I love myself, I can love others, and keep the Golden Rule.

While as human beings we need, and crave, connection with others – 

when I love MeI can even enjoy the company of my own solitude.  

And there is no one – not lover, friend, relative, progenitor or descendant, that I need as much as I need Me  – as much as I need my own love and respect – my own compassion and understanding.

The next time around, or even in the [lifelong] relationship you are presently in, promise yourself that you will set a bar a partner must meet – and that you will have a minimum standard of the respect you expect in any relationship – especially a romantic one. 

And then, give yourself permission to stick to it – to get out of any relationship that is harmful to you (and also, to your underage children).

Keep new dating partners on probation long enough to actually really get to know them. 

And in established relationships, take care of yourself – and always allow yourself the right to exit. (It is not helpful to continually conduct a relationship by threatening to end it, and it is not good for couples, or even good form, to bring the divorce or breakup word up during conflict). Nevertheless . . .

IF you have a standard, if you demand respect and good treatment, you will – even in an established relationship – internally – retain for yourself the right (yes, after you have tried to work on it) to protect yourself and if necessary, to exit.

Neversell out WHO YOU AREto salvage ANY adult-to-adult romantic interaction, any marriage, no matter how brief or longstanding.

Only you can keep your heart safe from the kind of pain in Judas’ kiss. 

You cannot control whether or not someone betrays you. (Often, their betrayal says far more about them than it does about you.)But . . . 

You CAN control how far down the road you will go if you are being treated with disrespect (or worse: physical/emotional/mental/verbal/sexual abuse).

Make a vow – a promise of undying love and devotion – to yourself.

You, marry YOU!

1.Proverbs 18:14

2.Nadine Rosechild Sullivan, Ph.D. (2011). I Trusted You: Fully and Honestly Speaking of Gendered Assault. Philadelphia: Lifting Consciousness Press. 

3.Robert Niebuhr. (attributed to Niebuhr in 1943). In Justin Kaplan (ed.). 2002. Bartlett's Familiar Quotations  735 (17th ed.).   

4.Helen Reddy & Ray Burton. 1970. Best Friend. Audio (Single). Album: Be a Little Kinder to Yourself. Buggerlugs Music Co., Irving Music Inc. (Performed in the film, Airport, 1975) http://www.elyrics.net/read/h/helen-reddy-lyrics/best-friend-lyrics.html

© 2013-2018 Nadine Rosechild-Sullivan, Ph.D.