By Rev. Dr. N. Rosechild-Sullivan

Principles of Child Discipline

Effective parenting is based on love.

You cannot love a child into being spoiled. You cannot spoil a child by loving them.

You can spoil a child by failing to socialize them.

It is necessary for children to be taught empathy, to learn how to get along with others, to gain a work ethic (starting with academics), and to learn to delay gratification – to learn to share, and to take an at-least-temporary “no” for an answer.

They should be taught critical thinking skills, and should not be raised to unthinking herd-like social conformity, yet they must learn how to get along in the society of others.

But as they learn to share and play nice with others, it must not be at the expense of their own sense of self-worth and value, or at the cost of their creativity and individuality.

We come from a long history of beating children down. We swim in a cultural steam come down to us with ideas like, “Children should be seen and not heard,” and “Spare the rod, spoil the child.”[i]These ideologies intend to break the will of the child, to bend it to the will of the wiser, more knowing adult.

To little people with open minds and vulnerable hearts, we say things like: “Who do you think you are? Don’t talk back to me!” and “What’s wrong with you!?!” and “I’ll give you something to cry about!” and “Because I said so!” and “Why can’t you be more like [your brother, your sister, the kid down the block]?”

These attitudes and ideologies can, and do, cause great harm to our children.[ii]Putting our children down, haranguing them, riding them, comparing them, cursing at them, arbitrarily dominating them amount to verbal, mental, and emotional abuse. Slapping, hitting, pinching, punching, spanking, kicking, and beating them cause both physical trauma – often long-term and severe – and mental and emotional trauma. Abusing children in any of these ways affects their sense of self and alters the path they must take through life.[iii]

Every one of us who has been treated in this way – whether or not we feel we have “turned out alright,” or “deserved it” at the time, or have “become better” for the wear – has had to work our way through and around issues we would not have had to contend with IF onlywe had been treated with a firmness consistently enacted in kindness.

Children who are reared by domination, including domination that uses even minimal amounts of violence, are likely to:

·      be more physically aggressive (2 to 6 x’s more likely)

·      have lower self-esteem

·      have feelings of fear, anxiety, shame, resentment, hatred, confusion, and paranoia

·      suffer from depression

·      suffer from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder)

·      lack empathy and be ambivalent about protecting or destroying others

·      develop antisocial behaviors or sociopathy

·      engage in risky and forbidden behaviors when they don’t think they’ll get caught 

·      be emotionally and mentally rigid

·      become sadistic or masochistic (associating pain with love)

·      have a disrupted work ethic (to do worse in or drop out of school and career)

·      become juvenile delinquents

·      earn less lifetime income

·      be more reserved and less spontaneous (afraid to try new things) 

·      be alienated from their parents 

·      be dissociative and to do less well in relationships

·      resolve conflict with verbal or physical violence

·      use violence against intimate partners

·      be authoritarian[iv]

What do you teach them when you humiliate and subjugate, rather than instruct and encourage? 

They learn that “might makes right,” and they learn either to run from conflict, or to “resolve” conflict through violence.

So, let’s talk about children.

When we talk about disciplining children, in large numbers, we talk about a child of mythical proportions – the “spoiled brat” who terrorizes adults with their insatiable demands, a manipulative conniver who schemes and plots like a soap-opera diva to get their own way. Nothing matters to this child but their whim of the moment. They have no comprehension of, or concern for, the needs or problems of others. They are selfish and shallow, and it’s all because they haven’t been “knocked around enough.”

In the play, “The Miracle Worker,” Teacher Annie Sullivan tells the father of blind, deaf, and mute, Helen Keller (who has gone untrained by either parent because, as her mother says, “You can’t discipline an afflicted child!”) that, “to let her have her way in everything is a lie.”[v]

And it’s true. 

To let a child have their way in everything IS a lie. They must learn manners. They must learn discipline and temperance – but, as per Annie Sullivan’s concern, without having their spirit broken. 

It is not violence or domination with which Annie Sullivan breaks through Helen Keller’s multiple disabilities and uncovers her powerful intellect.[vi]

It is her instruction. Sullivan disciplines Keller by entering into the child’s world and communicating to her the wisdom of the adult world. 

We can think of the Spoiled Childas one end of a continuum. The Spoiled Childis the polar opposite of the Beaten (or Broken) Child.

What we are aiming for is in the middle – not at either end of the continuum – neither the Spoiled Child nor the Child with aBroken(or damaged) Spirit, but theBalanced Child. 

The balanced child is disciplined, but not broken.

The balanced child is met at his or her level and elevated through instruction and nurturing into becoming the best they can – individually – be. They are educated attentively. They are worked with patiently and persistently. They are loved gently and honorably. They are encouraged supportively. They are taught empathy and diligence and tenacity. They are given purpose and meaning. And they have a certain kind of parent.

In fact, each of these kinds of children has a certain kind of parent.

The Spoiled Child has an Indulgent Parent. 

The Indulgent Parentrarely if ever says no and behaves as if they are afraid of the child. The Spoiled Childcan run all over the Indulgent/Overly PermissiveParent, because that parent is barely engaged in the job of instructing the child for adulthood. TheIndulgent Parentmay try too hard to be their daughter or son’s “friend,” and be afraid to set limits or enforce their appropriate commands.

The Beaten Child has anAuthoritarian Parent.

The Authoritarian Parent falls along a continuum of abuse (physical, verbal, emotional, mental, sexual) and is often guilty of parental cruelty.[vii]

The Negligent Parentmay fall at either end of the continuum – either being overly permissive, simply from lack of engagement – or harsh and demeaning, playing out the worst of authoritarianism, holding the neglected child captive in a state of emotional and or physical starvation.[viii]

The fact is that neither end of that continuum produces an emotionally- and mentally-healthy, well-rounded human being (female or male). 

What works – what produces a child capable of carrying the burdens of adult life and being an empathetic and evolved human being is the parent in the middle – neither Indulgent, Authoritarian, or Neglectful.

Instead – it is the Authoritative(different from Authoritarian) Parentwho raises the Balanced Child.

The Authoritative Parent[ix]  helps the Balanced Child achieve “instrumental competence,” the tenacity to achieve goals. The Authoritative Parent is attentive and responsive. She/he is demanding and firm, but fair and kind.  She/he is NOT punitive and not detached. She/he has both rule and affection.[x]She/he does not shrink from his/her duty to socialize a child, but does not fail to teach critical thinking. This parent knows that verbal/mental/emotional abuse – and spanking – are inappropriate socializers – teaching the wrong lessons, but invests him/herself in firmly – but kindly – enforcing his/her word. The Authoritative Parent is involved and engaged. She/he is emotionally attentive and offers ongoing instruction. She/he is firm, keeps the child safe and teaches safety. She/he imparts social and ethical values and works to teach empathy for other people and animals. She/he teaches the child how to delay gratification and work to achieve goals. 

None of us wants to end up with children we don’t like.

Children can be incredibly taxing. They can pluck our last nerve. They can know when they’ve got us over a barrel (like acting up when the boss is on the phone).

And children can never be left unattended. The unattended infant may die, or fail to fully develop cognitively, simply from the inattention. 

Children can’t reasonably be left home alone until after the age of ten or twelve, and even then, only for short times and not after dark, or at least not late at night. Before they can reasonably be left alone overnight, they must be grown.

They are a 24/7 venture for 18+ years, and while we are never really alone again once we are parents – once we are parents, we are never really alone again!!!

But well-raised children are their own reward.

The Balanced Child becomes a greater joy, year after year.

IF you want to end up with children you like – with emotionally, mentally, physically healthy and happy Balanced Children – you must front load the work.

You must be willing to disturb yourself, even when tired, to enforce your word (without yelling or flailing).

You must be willing to stir yourself up to engage the mind of your offspring and transmit the reasons why they should dothe things you instruct and demand.

You may send them to their room so they, or you, can calm down, but when cooler heads prevail, you must follow them to discuss and instruct and teach.

You must control your own temper.

You must deal with your own issues, get the help you need to get yourself right, and bring them the best of You, the Parent.

You must release your fear of displeasing them or facing conflict calmly and rationally as you both hold your ground and listen to their hearts.

You must be attentive. 

You must keep yourself from being either Overly Permissive and Indulgent or Overbearing and Authoritarian. You must not allow yourself to disengage and become Negligent or Neglectful.

You must do the labor of standing that middle ground, if you want the fruit of that labor – a child who grows up to be a fully self-actualizing, engaged, purposeful adult.

Engage the task.

Love your child.

Enjoy the journey.

They get better every year.

Note: All of this presumes a level of able-mindedness on the part of both children & parents. But within the realms of the possible, it is well to remember the work of Annie Sullivan with Helen Keller, and to recognize that the Authoritative Parent(not the Indulgentor the AuthoritarianParent) makes the best opportunity for firmly but lovingly training a child to the full capacity that they are capable of achieving. 

© 2013-2018 Nadine Rosechild-Sullivan, Ph.D.

[1]Greven, Philip. 1990. Spare the Child: The Religious Roots of Punishment and the Psychological Impact of Physical Abuse. New York: Alfred A. Knopf.

[1]Marshall, Michael. 2002. Why Spanking Doesn't Work: Stopping This Bad Habit and Getting the Upper Hand on Effective Discipline. Springville, UT: Bonneville Books. (see also Greven 1990).

[1]ibid

[1]Straus, Murray A. (2001). Beating the Devil Out of Them: Corporal Punishment in American Families and Its Effects on Children.Transaction Publishers. (see also: Greven 1990; Marshall 2002)

[1]Penn, Arthur. (dir.).1962. Film: The Miracle Worker. Hollywood, CA: Playfilm Productions, Inc./Metro Goldwyn Mayer.

[1]She went on to graduate Radcliffe with honors.

[1]Miller, Alice, & Hildegarde Hannum, Hunter Hannum(Translators). (2002). For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence.(3rd ed.).Farrar, Straus and Giroux. (see also: Greven 1990; Marshall 2002: Straus 2001)

[1]Maccoby, E.E. & J.A. Martin. (1983). Socialization in the Context of the Family: Parent–Child Interaction. In P. Mussen & E.M. Hetherington (eds.). Handbook of Child Psychology, Volume IV: Socialization, Personality, and Social Development. (4thed.). (Chapter 1, pps. 1–101). New York: Wiley.

[1]Baumrind, D. (1967). Child Care Practices Anteceding Three Patterns Of Preschool Behavior. Genetic Psychology Monographs. 75(1): 43-88.; Baumrind, D. (1971). Current Patterns of Parental Authority. (Pt. 2). Developmental Psychology, 4(1): 1-103.; Baumrind, D. (1978). Parental Disciplinary Patterns and Social Competence In Children. Youth and Society. 9: 238-276.

[1]ibid